I especially like the metaphor that you used. hurling me back through the Earth’s atmosphere and smashing me onto the cold hard ground.I also liked one of the other Similes you used.I sprint back to the shop, my legs moving as fast as a bullet. I just wish you used all five of the senses touch, taste, sight, smell and hearing
* It's descriptive * I like the part where it says severed with lemonadewish: I think you used the metaphor my head is in the clouds to many times ( well twice but you know)
Great piece of writing almost better than the clip itself
Hi it's Ben that story was really cool and the descriptive language was great. And good emotion and I would love to hear more.
I like how you describe the bag as rosy red instead of just red
very descriptive and the way you described it with the 'hurling me back through the earth's atmosphere and smashing me onto the cold hard ground' it almost made my mouth fall off my face!!!
I like the bit about your dreams being crushed and served with lemonade
star: I like that you have used good descriptive words :)star: I like how at the start it is show not tell :)wish: I wish i was there with you :)
I like the way you described reaching into the bag
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